


Only If For A Night

by InscribedDiatribes



Series: It Was You Who Held Me Under [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Canon Divergence - Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Death, F/M, Gender Neutral, M/M, Non-graphic death, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Other, Steve Rogers Comes Back, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Time Travel, Time Travel Fix-It
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:40:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26765206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InscribedDiatribes/pseuds/InscribedDiatribes
Summary: Steve’s decision to go back to the past has unintended consequences.
Relationships: Captain America & James “Bucky” Barnes, Captain America & Sam Wilson, Captain America/ Y/N, Captain America/Reader, Captain America/You, Peggy Carter/Captain America, Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers & James “Bucky” Barnes, Steve Rogers & Sam Wilson, Steve Rogers/ y/n, Steve Rogers/Reader, Steve Rogers/You
Series: It Was You Who Held Me Under [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1950679
Comments: 5
Kudos: 21





	Only If For A Night

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I decided to participate in the lucid dreams challenge by one of my favorite writers, @golden-ariess on Tumblr. This fic has literally taken me forever to write, but it’s finally finished! I hope you all enjoy this!
> 
> Prompt: “Then tell me how I’m supposed to be.” I was also inspired by the lyrics from Only If for a Night by Florence + the Machine.
> 
> Time travel logistics and some endgame scenes have been changed.
> 
> Warnings: Contains Angst, Endgame spoilers, Steve Rogers centric, Slightly Yandere/Obsessive, Death.

It was supposed to be a simple mission. A final task to put an end to the chaos that Thanos had singlehandedly caused.

As Steve prepared to say his goodbyes, he mused on his current life. He had friends, a support system, and shockingly, he had Bucky back. Losing Bucky had affected him more than he’d care to admit. The loss of Bucky had left him reeling. It seemed like he was destined to feel miserable and all alone.

However, in the five years that he had spent without Bucky, he had found you. You muddled through life the same way he did, but you continued to live your life to the best of your ability by taking the time to find and improve yourself. In many ways he envied you, but you had been utterly alone for years before The Snap, which was a reality he didn’t have to face. He had lost Bucky, and while he may have felt alone, he never truly was.

You were unique, he fondly thought. There were probably a million words that he could use to describe you, but unique was the one that fit best. Bucky and Sam would understand his decision, but you would be a different story.

—

After leaving Sam, Steve slowly made his way over to you. You looked at him as he came to a stop next to you.

You coolly stated, “I heard they figured out how to fix everything. I’m guessing that’s not what you’re here for though.”

His blood ran cold at the thought that you already knew what he was going to do. He opened his mouth to fumble out an explanation, but you interjected, “If you want to go… then go. I won’t stop you.”

You looked away from him and stared straight ahead. Steve could tell that you were beginning to shut him out. This wasn’t how he expected this to go. How could you shut down at a time like this? He finally had a chance to live a normal life, yet you weren’t happy for him. The words flew out before he could stop himself, “This isn’t how you’re supposed to be.”

You turned towards him and fixed him with a piercing glare, “Then tell me how I’m supposed to be.” A wave of silence passed over you two. Steve heard you sigh. He desperately wished he knew what to say to fix this, but he was left speechless for once in his life. Steve muttered an apology and made his way back to his teammates.

—

Mission. Home. Idle Chatting. Repeat. Steve could recite his routine like clockwork. His enjoyment of being with Peggy hadn’t been preserved over the years. His weariness of life frequently clashed with Peggy’s personality. Steve had quickly realized that her zeal and unwavering optimism exhausted him. Peggy understood war better than an average Joe, but she didn’t understand what horrors the future held. By extension, she didn’t understand him either — not anymore. It was inevitable that they wouldn’t last together.

A year. A year is how long it took for Steve to realize that he didn’t belong with Peggy. She was determined, smart, and ambitious. All traits that would please most people. However, she just wasn’t right. She just wasn’t… you. The decision to end things came easy to both of them. Peggy sent him on his way with a tight lipped smiled and a knowing glance.

—

He was back. For the first time in months, he was finally excited.

Steve quickly realized that he had no idea where everyone was. He followed the path closest to him to a road and hoped that a driver would be crazy enough to give him a ride to the Avengers building. He somehow managed to cause a traffic jam as people clambered out of their cars to stare at him in disbelief. It’d definitely be a long ride.

—

Fury sharply stared at Steve, “You’ve managed to make quite the commotion with that little stunt you pulled earlier, Rogers. You disappeared for four years, how could you expect anything less? You’re lucky that we have all the witnesses under control until we can release a new statement.”

Four years? How was that even possible? He had just been gone one year.

Bucky walked through the doorway and approached Fury. Bucky directed his eyes toward a plaque on the wall. It was… your plaque? It was enough to make Fury pause. Fury took a quick glance at Steve and proceeded to leave the room with a grimace. He immediately became suspicious. Fury would never give up an opportunity to yell at someone. Where were you?

Bucky softly sighed, “Pal, I know it’s a lot to take in. A lot of things have changed since you’ve been gone. Y/N isn’t here anymore. There was an attack and we couldn’t get to them in time, I’m so sorry. I have to join Sam on his mission soon, but SHIELD gave me an apartment I never stay at. You can stay there for as long as you want. A company car can take you there.”

Steve felt himself still. You were… dead? You didn’t deserve that. You should be here with him… no, he should have never left in the first place. You were gone. Why you? Why him? This couldn’t be true. It just couldn’t. He feels his chest tightening and morbidly hopes that he’ll be the next to go.

He couldn’t bear to look at the sympathetic look on Bucky’s face. Steve takes the key from Bucky’s outstretched hand. Bucky pats him on the shoulder and Steve manages to drag himself to the car awaiting him outside.

Steve had ruined his own happiness. The thought that he had messed things up this badly was enough to want to make him start sobbing. He briefly wonders if you had been in this much pain when he left.

—

He spent his nights spent holed up in Bucky’s apartment desperate for any form of interaction. He spent his days at parks during the day in hopes that some eager fan would spot him and bombard him with even something as simple as an awkward, sweaty handshake. Yet no one ever paid him any attention after his initial reappearance. His absence in The Avengers was quite apparent. Thousands of articles about his sudden departure and Sam’s new identity had easily convinced the world that he was a sham.

Even Bucky was slowly starting to give up on him. He never explicitly said that, but his lack of calls and abundance of mission said enough. He was alone.

He wanted to see you again. You were — and still are — his only escape from his loneliness and misery. He thought about you on that consequential day when he had decided to leave. The sunshine baring down on the both of you contrasted the mood of the whole affair. He wished he would have stopped to consider how you truly felt about him leaving. How your coldness towards him was only a coping method. He wished he could go back and scream at himself to stay.

Closing his eyes again, he cleared those thoughts away and willed himself to fall asleep. Dreams were his refuge. He was able to create happy memories of you that he never got to experience with you in real life. Vacations, garden tours, café dates. He did anything and everything with you. You and the whole world were at his fingertips in his dreams. You were his, only if for a night.

—

Bathroom. Eat. Dream. Repeat. Another routine that he could recite like clockwork, only he couldn’t leave this time. 

Days passed by. Then weeks. Then months. Everything started blurring together. There was no point in trying to remember them. No one had any need for him anymore. He was no longer Captain America, that role was taken.

He realized he couldn’t be upset, he was the one that had caused this. It still stung to know that everyone had moved on and most importantly, that you were gone.

There was nothing he could now. It was too late. He had lost Peggy. He had lost his friends. Now, he had lost you too. No amount of dreaming would bring you back. He was alone again. He would always be alone — a man out of time.

**Author's Note:**

> Lyrics:  
> “And I heard your voice as clear as day. And you told me I should concentrate. It was all so strange and so surreal. That a ghost should be so practical. Only if for a night.”
> 
> I don’t own these characters, songs, or lyrics, nor did I create any of them. This work is strictly for fair use/ entertainment purposes. No money has been received from this work.


End file.
